Ergo, shipwreck, losses, etc. work together for the good of them that love God. Hence I infer that losses, disappointments, ill-tongues, loss of friends, houses or country, are God's workmen, set on work to work out good to you, out of everything that befalleth you. Let not the Lord's dealing seem harsh, rough, or un-fatherly because it is unpleasant. When the Lord's blessed will bloweth across your desires, it is best, in humility, to strike sail to him, and to be willing to be led any way our Lord pleaseth. It is a point of denial of yourself, to be as if you had not a will, but had made a free disposition of it to God, and had sold it over to him. And to make use of his will for your own is both true holiness, and your ease of peace. You know not what the Lord is working out of this, but you shall know it hereafter."
S. Rutherford
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Happy Belated Easter
It's been awhile since I've written. I haven't really known what to write. It has been good to know so many people know what is going on with Clay and I, yet also a bit overwhelming. There is no where to hide anymore. Spreading your life's details across the Internet prevents you from staying at a safe distance from people. Now I can not hide from the fact that we deal with a difficult disease. I cannot chit chat mindlessly with friends about nothing in particular because the reality or the rawness, whichever one, seems to permeate the conversation. I don't mind talking about how Clay is doing. It simply is a blatant reminder that he still suffers, he is not completely better, and that sinking feeling that he might never be starts to set in more readily the more I talk about it.
I was strong for so long. Trudging through the battle with my head held high and my fear neatly tucked away in the darker realms of my subconscious. I have willed myself through this war, obsessively chanting Bible verses to myself as if they would somehow become me if I said them enough. Now that we are back from Chicago and have had a semblance of a "normal" life, my defenses are down and my weaknesses are made more apparent. I have begun delving into deeper questions of faith, the ever pressing question of "Why". Why must it be this way? I feel lost and confused as I try to understand a God who says He loves me yet seems to be so far away, so silent. It is a wretched feeling to pray and pray earnestly only to fear that the prayer might not be answered. "How long Lord?" Did David struggle intensely with his faith, afraid that he might walk away even though he didn't want to?
Anger is what I feel now. Anger and confusion. My mind tells me even coerces me to be thankful, to look for the little things the Lord has done. Yet I am not thankful. I am angry. I am angry that my answer isn't simple. I am angry that there are people being healed even in my own congregation at church and my husband still is in pain. I am not thankful. I feel left out, as if there is something I am doing or saying wrong that leaves us still in this situation. I am trying to walk through it, accept it, let myself be sad. My mind wills me to run away. It troys to find a place or a person that will make this all go away, make my life and its past somehow different. But the startling truth remains, this is where I am. Why do I not have it within me to cling more fully to my faith, to find joy in the circumstance?
I can sense my mind on different days coaxing me gently toward old comforts and idols promising a numbness that can ease me through life on a surface level. It is tempting, but I have been down those roads and they lead to the place I am in now...Lost. Is it possible to know Jesus and claim him as Lord yet feel lost within him? It seems contradictory to me because I have had a life changing experience with Christ in which I was found, so how can I now feel lost? I am confused and angry and hurt that the touch of his spirit is so foreign now, that the sound of his spirit's voice is no longer audible. Have I done something wrong?
All of these questions and more I ask. It is odd but it helps me to feel real. I am good at compartmentalizing. It is part of my job training and my personality. I need to feel these emotions and allow myself to grieve. Why is that so hard? Perhaps I feel that if I grieve the sorrows I've known in this life, then I'll be admitting defeat over being able to obtain a "happy good life" and end up like everyone else, grieving. Aren't we all grieving something and trying to get away? Who truly can walk completely into their grief? I've become more hardened as life has progressed because it seems inevitable that there will be difficultly, disappointment, and sorrow one after another to all be grieved.
And so with these thoughts swirling in my head I look deeper into the faith I have claimed as my guiding light and search for answers or at least peace. I have begun to read a book that highlights the core principles and doctrines of the major world religions. It is something I have always been afraid of and shied away from in fear that it would shatter the knowledge I have of Jesus. In turn it has helped me understand to the extent I have researched thus far why Christianity is so radically different from other religions and why it is so hard to accept. It is not the only reason, but it is what stands out to me the most. Jesus claimed to be God, the only God. He did not suggest there were many paths to one God as Hinduism or Buddhism might claim. He said the way was through Him. Period. Wow. Why has this never hit me until now? Either I accept what he has said as truth or I declare him a liar (or pychco). I cannot say he was a good teacher, because he did not proclaim himself to be a teacher as Buddha did. He claimed he was and is God. Easter has passed, and although I was relatively numb and zombified at church because I worked the whole night before, it had a new meaning. It no longer has tradition status in that I go to church hear about the risen Lord, but really I'm more excited about eating with family and chocolate and bunnies. It is a time of remembering, of reminding my feeble little brain that there was a man who lived and died and ROSE. He came back to life. No other god that I have read about so far has done that. Do I believe this? In my heart I can say yes, but my mind and logic respond with varying degrees of disbelief. Am I ashamed of that...no, not really. Fearful of my inability to will myself to believe?...yes! I am struggling with surrendering to the truth that I can not control everything, and that really most things are wildly out of my control. So I plead the blood of Christ and have to trust that it covers even my inability to believe in Him. As one man in the Bible prayed when asked by Jesus if he believed, I pray this too...again for this is not the first time I have said this prayer "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
sarah
ps. it is 4 in the morning and I cannot sleep. Damn this night shift job! two weeks and counting to a day shift position. anyway, I am always more somber and philosophical, I have come to discover, at 4 in the morning. Sorry if this was not what you were looking for.
I was strong for so long. Trudging through the battle with my head held high and my fear neatly tucked away in the darker realms of my subconscious. I have willed myself through this war, obsessively chanting Bible verses to myself as if they would somehow become me if I said them enough. Now that we are back from Chicago and have had a semblance of a "normal" life, my defenses are down and my weaknesses are made more apparent. I have begun delving into deeper questions of faith, the ever pressing question of "Why". Why must it be this way? I feel lost and confused as I try to understand a God who says He loves me yet seems to be so far away, so silent. It is a wretched feeling to pray and pray earnestly only to fear that the prayer might not be answered. "How long Lord?" Did David struggle intensely with his faith, afraid that he might walk away even though he didn't want to?
Anger is what I feel now. Anger and confusion. My mind tells me even coerces me to be thankful, to look for the little things the Lord has done. Yet I am not thankful. I am angry. I am angry that my answer isn't simple. I am angry that there are people being healed even in my own congregation at church and my husband still is in pain. I am not thankful. I feel left out, as if there is something I am doing or saying wrong that leaves us still in this situation. I am trying to walk through it, accept it, let myself be sad. My mind wills me to run away. It troys to find a place or a person that will make this all go away, make my life and its past somehow different. But the startling truth remains, this is where I am. Why do I not have it within me to cling more fully to my faith, to find joy in the circumstance?
I can sense my mind on different days coaxing me gently toward old comforts and idols promising a numbness that can ease me through life on a surface level. It is tempting, but I have been down those roads and they lead to the place I am in now...Lost. Is it possible to know Jesus and claim him as Lord yet feel lost within him? It seems contradictory to me because I have had a life changing experience with Christ in which I was found, so how can I now feel lost? I am confused and angry and hurt that the touch of his spirit is so foreign now, that the sound of his spirit's voice is no longer audible. Have I done something wrong?
All of these questions and more I ask. It is odd but it helps me to feel real. I am good at compartmentalizing. It is part of my job training and my personality. I need to feel these emotions and allow myself to grieve. Why is that so hard? Perhaps I feel that if I grieve the sorrows I've known in this life, then I'll be admitting defeat over being able to obtain a "happy good life" and end up like everyone else, grieving. Aren't we all grieving something and trying to get away? Who truly can walk completely into their grief? I've become more hardened as life has progressed because it seems inevitable that there will be difficultly, disappointment, and sorrow one after another to all be grieved.
And so with these thoughts swirling in my head I look deeper into the faith I have claimed as my guiding light and search for answers or at least peace. I have begun to read a book that highlights the core principles and doctrines of the major world religions. It is something I have always been afraid of and shied away from in fear that it would shatter the knowledge I have of Jesus. In turn it has helped me understand to the extent I have researched thus far why Christianity is so radically different from other religions and why it is so hard to accept. It is not the only reason, but it is what stands out to me the most. Jesus claimed to be God, the only God. He did not suggest there were many paths to one God as Hinduism or Buddhism might claim. He said the way was through Him. Period. Wow. Why has this never hit me until now? Either I accept what he has said as truth or I declare him a liar (or pychco). I cannot say he was a good teacher, because he did not proclaim himself to be a teacher as Buddha did. He claimed he was and is God. Easter has passed, and although I was relatively numb and zombified at church because I worked the whole night before, it had a new meaning. It no longer has tradition status in that I go to church hear about the risen Lord, but really I'm more excited about eating with family and chocolate and bunnies. It is a time of remembering, of reminding my feeble little brain that there was a man who lived and died and ROSE. He came back to life. No other god that I have read about so far has done that. Do I believe this? In my heart I can say yes, but my mind and logic respond with varying degrees of disbelief. Am I ashamed of that...no, not really. Fearful of my inability to will myself to believe?...yes! I am struggling with surrendering to the truth that I can not control everything, and that really most things are wildly out of my control. So I plead the blood of Christ and have to trust that it covers even my inability to believe in Him. As one man in the Bible prayed when asked by Jesus if he believed, I pray this too...again for this is not the first time I have said this prayer "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
sarah
ps. it is 4 in the morning and I cannot sleep. Damn this night shift job! two weeks and counting to a day shift position. anyway, I am always more somber and philosophical, I have come to discover, at 4 in the morning. Sorry if this was not what you were looking for.
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