From the Horse's Mouth

Hello all, this is Clay and I just wanted to share a few thoughts. It's difficult to describe or begin to explain chronic pain, how it effects one's life and soul and the lives of those close to you. I think I'm only beginning to realize the true impact it's had on my life and those around me, particularly my amazing wife Sarah. She has been, and continues to be, a truly wonderful example of Christ's love and persistence and I can feel Him at work in me through her love. The flip-side of that coin is that I can also see how much of an impact this is had on her life and it's hard not to feel guilty or to feel like a burden. It's also very hard to work through the bitterness and all that comes along with having to go through this whole ordeal and having to carry this incredible pain for so long. I struggle with the mindset that I will never be free and find it hard to turn and cry out to God when it seems like all of my cries so far have gone unanswered. I think there are many great steps being taken and I'm very thankful for those who have been praying, encouraging and particularly my and Sarah's parents who have come alongside and eased a great deal of the pressure and lightened the load for both Sarah and me. At the same time I battle with not letting myself get my hope built up by anything because it will only lead to more let downs in the end. I feel good and encouraged with the steps that have been taken, the tests that have been performed and going to the clinic in February. At the same time, the more steps we do take and the more possible causes we rule out, the more frightening it becomes and the more it seems like I will never be free from this burden while still on this earth. I know that this fear something that the enemy can easily get to me through, and it's in these times that I am most thankful for all those that are praying, surrounding us and holding me up through His Spirit, because I have no doubt that I am His and He is at work. It can only be through His Spirit and those prayers that my faith is held strong because at present I have not the strength, boldness or courage to approach His throne with any type of hope or trust. It is only with a desperate bitterness and a seemingly hopeless, burning desire coupled with anger and fear that I am able to look upon and turn to Him. I know He is at work, even in this, it is just an incredibly burdening and difficult place to be. All I ask of any who read is for continued prayer and encouragement. It may seem that it falls upon deaf ears. I know I've felt, and most of the time feel, that my prayers have gone unheard and unanswered but I can also bear witness that this is not true. I know I am His, I am sure of His love and His Spirit at work through all of this, and the only way I can possibly feel this way while in the hell that I am currently living, is through the power of His Spirit at work within me and through the prayers of all the saints surrounding me. So for that, I thank Him, I thank you for your prayers and I only ask that you continue to fight the good fight, because at present I have not the strength to fight, because what little I do have left is being spent just trying to stay afloat.