A "TEE"

Clay went with his mom today to have a transesophageal echocardiogram aka a TEE. I believe that is the correct name. It is a more specific test to look for heart abnormalities that could possibly be linked to his migraines and hopefully open up an avenue for treatment and healing. I am at home trying to rest because I work tonight and the next two nights, but it is hard for me to relax. I feel a deep sadness and a sense of defeat which sounds odd because of the forward movement we are beginning to take. I feel as if I have spread the load around to others who are stepping in an helping, so I feel a sense of relief. On the other hand, now there is room for the grieving to begin. What a trial this has been, and I can not even begin to imagine how hard it has been for Clay to endure such intense pain for so long. It is hard for me to rejoice in the steps that are being taken such as going to the clinic. I feel as if I cannot do so until I begin to see relief for him. Please do not misinterpret this as ungratefulness. I am unbelievably grateful to be going to Chicago, but hate that we even have to go at the same time. I want a magic button to press every time he tells me that his head hurts and make it go away, but alas there is none to be found. Some days I do not even have the energy to pray for healing. It is all I can muster up just to ask for the grace to make it through another day. The Lord knows the desire of my heart, how can I plead more earnestly than I already have? What more is there to ask than for mercy? I feel as if I have been flooding my brain with scripture and truth trying to will myself to believe it as true. But great and merciful God, how can I continue believing you are a healer when there is not healing to be found?
It sounds as if I am giving up, and I am not. I simply feel crushed under the weight of a trial that we are not strong enough to bear. I am finding that when God said to trust him, he meant not for us to trust him in the good times because of course it is easy to do so when everything is candy coated and happy. He meant for us to trust that he is present even during the times when you feel like you might spiral down into the darkest pit where no one might ever find you. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there." (Psalm 139)
I have to continue believing that good can and will come out of this as the Lord says in Romans 8 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The tears only last for a night and rejoicing comes in the morning.
Paul says in Philippians to "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ...The Lord is near." Always? Really, Lord? What am I rejoicing for...this present suffering...or am I rejoicing in what the Lord will do and what is to come? If the Lord is who he says he is in Exodus, "The Lord The Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin," Then yes I will find it in myself to give him praise even in the midst of this trial, even on the days that I feel the most defeated because if he is true to his very nature, then he will not leave us in this place. He will come with healing on his wings and turn our sorrows into rejoicing. And that will be worth celebrating.

sarah